We always have what we deserve.

With this new adventure I'm on (and I'm still on it!), I think about what I'm doing. A lot.  It's probably what I think about most in a day.  But it's not an obsession, as far as I'm concerned.

This is my life, and my health. It's something only I can do for myself.  I can't outsource it, and I can't attribute success or blame to anyone but me.  This is work, it's a full time job on top of everything else I do in a day.  It involves my brain and body to a degree I never before understood.

After having an incredibly lazy Saturday, I decided to get off my ass and at least have a shower so that the day couldn't be deemed a total write off.  I was thinking about what I'm doing and the purpose of my commitment. Pretty heavy thoughts for such a quick shower.

Of course, years of advertising slogans and marketing bullshit came to mind.  Television was always the best babysitter for me, and given today's complete couch-based slug fest, it still is.

I always found it strange when a big selling point was "get the body you DESERVE!".  Guess what, marketing dicks, I've always had the body I deserved.

For years, I only moved when I had to over the course of a day. The daily drill went something like this: Stay in bed as long as I can, get up, go to work at my desk job, sit in my car on the drive home, make some lazy food (if I didn't go through the drive thru), fall asleep on the couch, eventually drag my ass to bed, then do it all again the next day.   No exercise, not a whole lot of positive thoughts, nothing to write home about.  The days would just slip away, lather-rinse-repeat.

I'm happy that I've been able to shift my brain into a better gear.  Going to the gym and taking the leap of faith that is working with a personal trainer is paying off HUGE.  My depression has lifted and the weight is coming off.  So far, I'm 26lbs down, and have shed over 23 inches.  Back in January, I had the ankle fusion hardware removed, which has helped greatly.

Each day I put in the work, I know I get the results I want, both mentally and physically.  I fell out of routine a bit after my surgery and sure enough, progress slowed right fucking down.  I had to get annoyed enough to jump back in, and that's exactly what I did.

I still have at least another year before I hit my ultimate goal.  Believe me, that's fine.  We all know that there's no quick fixes when it comes to weight loss.  Everything has a price, and I have chosen to pay that price in sweat and hard work.  Could I work even harder? Sure. Definitely.  But right now, it's about balance for me.  

There's so much to research and learn.  Food, nutrition, exercise, all of it.  I'm learning more right now than I have in years.  I love it.  What I love even more, is that it's sticking to my brain.  That's super important.

Right now, I deserve to learn and explore.  I deserve to spend the time helping myself get to a better place.  I deserve to reap the benefits of my own efforts, and I deserve the challenge of pushing it further.

I deserve all of those things, and only I can provide them.  No one else can, no fucking way.

xo
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