pat pat pat

As I expected, there was a gain on the scale this week. Not from going off the rails at all, this was a positive kind of gain.

I did it. I made it to the gym every goddamn day this week before work. I left my house at 6 a.m. every single day to get to the Y and workout/aquafit before heading to the shop.

Sure, people have done this for ages, but those people aren't me. Those five days proved to me that I am changing my brain and willing to do what it takes to get what I want. Only on Friday did I have any sort of "do I REALLY want to get out of bed right now?" moment, but I ignored it and hauled ass downtown.

So, due to this new activity, my body decided it wanted to rebel a little and I showed a 2lb gain. But, I talked to my leader about it and feel alright. It will level off, and it would also help if I ate more protein. I know those 2lbs won't be there long (if I can help it) and I know they're the result of me doing something positive.

But still, they put me back under the 20lb by .2 lbs. That still pisses me off a bit.

The weekend is a rest time for me, I really don't want to overdo this shit. I may be going at it like ninety, but I am trying to remain reasonable.

This week I'm going to try it again and see what happens. I may be able to do it, I may not. I refuse to pressure myself to the point of guilt, but I do know I have to keep at it if I want to see any kind of result.

Wow, what a fucking boring post.

xo
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Paradigm Shift

Yes. I managed to ditch 2.8 this week (while on vacation, no less) and FINALLY break through that 20lb mark. So, I'm officially 21.8 down, which feels amazing.

While I said a couple of weeks ago that, for my own sanity, I needed to see my weight number go down more than anything, I'm experiencing a change of attitude.

This body of mine, while I love it so, needs to change. I've gotten the plan I need in terms of a workout plan, and it's time to kick it into high gear. Yes, this will dick with my numbers at the scale (which still gives me the pip, but science is science I guess) and I am ready for that.

I need to see the bingo wings start to go away a bit. I need to see that belly get smaller. I need to see any sort of change in my assular area (I really don't know how something that doesn't exist be so fat. Curse of the Bells, a flat, fat ass.)

I am preparing myself for the scale non-starter weeks. But more than that, I am preparing to walk out my door at 6 a.m. to hit the gym before work three days a week. Tuesdays and Thursdays are still Deep Water aquafit before work. Then, of course, there's my solid 40 minutes of cardio briskly walking to and from work every single day.

I think that it's important that, while we're focusing so much on our bodies, that we pay attention to our hearts and minds. What's bothering us, what do we need, what's the issue that needs to be addressed?

One day, these curves shall boom, and it's going to take a fuckload of work to get them to boomin' status, but it will be worth it.

Ugh, 6 a.m. Faaaaaaaaak. Kick out the jams, muthafu.....oh you know.

xo
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Vacation is fun with out percs and bullet holes!

Man, do I love being on vacation. Wait, let me get a little more specific: man, do I love being on vacation that doesn't involve any surgery on the Frankenankle.

I'm halfway through my week off from the print shop and I am really loving this week. A much needed break from the grind of typesetting business cards, telling customers their files are set up incorrectly, and trying to figure out registration issues on my colour machine.

On Saturday night I had my second session with the fitness dude at the Y. I was the only one who showed up, so it was an hour long one-on-one teach about the weight machines I will be using in my quest for "boomin' curves". I am totally totally totally excited. Totally. For real.

Yesterday was spent at the beach up at Grand Bend. My friend Pam and I made a day of it and it was so good to get back to the beach where I spent what feels like a million happy hours as a kid. The weather was perfect, Lake Huron looked like something out of the Caribbean (for reals, I've never seen it so blue) and I got to take a walk down memory lane.

This photo is of yours truly at age 2 or 3, hangin' with my mom on the same stretch of beach we were at yesterday. It felt good to be back there, although I will admit that it made me miss my mom a little more.

I rocked that fucking hat ages before LL Cool J did.

Today feels like a bike ride kind of day. I'm a bit nervous to be taking Betty out on the streets, but oh well, time to suck it up and make my investment worthwhile.

Oh yeah, while at the beach yesterday, I fully admit to eating french fries, an ice cream cone and sippin' on a root beer. They're all tracked for posterity, and I still didn't break my limit yesterday. Still, there is an insanely good reason why I don't eat that shit all the time, mostly because I don't want my heart to explode. But honestly, I couldn't even finish the fries, and the ice cream cone melted more than I ate. I really cannot go back to how I used to eat. A very very very good thing.

Alright, the sun is out (for now) and I need to get my ass in gear.

peace out

LB

Fwee Whetowic!

Dear Body,

I would ask you how you are, but since you're me, I know you're fine, thanks.

I just have to know: was it really necessary to hold on to that ONE pound? Does it have special meaning that I'm not aware of?

Is it like that silver tea set that someone's grandma leaves them in the will (You never see it or use it, but the very thought of getting rid of it is completely absurd)?

Is it like the how my dad refuses to get rid of the underwear that he was wearing the day Miles Davis died?

Is it like how Gloria Estefan refuses to let her career or shitty 70's disco songs die even though both should have been put out of their misery ages ago?

Is that one pound, the one pound that is keeping me from cracking the 20's, worth it? Is it helping perform some crazy physical process that would blind me with amazing science and physics if I were to have it explained to me?

I didn't think so.

I had better not see it, or any of its little friends, when I step on that scale next Saturday, or else I'll stop taking my arthritis meds and then you'll be sorry.

So there.

xo
el bee

180 degrees

Alright, now we're rocking and/or rolling again. I was down 2 this week so that puts me back at a total of 18lbs gone. Good riddance.

This has been a hard week (not food wise, I managed to keep it together in that respect), things were slow at work because of the holiday that fell mid-week, and some other crappy crap happened that I won't go into since it was crappy private crap that turned out alright in the end.

When I last posted, I was feeling like I was losing my focus. Such a scary feeling. It was all very "big picture" oriented and the fact that I still have well over 100lbs to go was completely bringing me down. Knowing that I still have the equivalent of an adult human to lose is a tad overwhelming. I do my best to NOT think of the situation in those terms, but my brain went there and was fixin' to sit a spell.

I am finally starting to come around though, because I know that I just cannot think about the ultimate goal yet. I will drive myself stark raving mad if I do. For now, I just need to get to 20lbs gone. Then to 25. Then to 30. You undoubtedly get the picture.

The time has come to start upping the activity. Yes, it may screw with my numbers, but as much as I need need need to see those numbers go down right now, I need need need need to make my gut start to disappear. I'm sick of this stupid belly. This ass. These bingo wings. It's time to start working on the boomin' curves that I desperately want.

Here's one thing that will help with that:

Her name is Betty. She is sparkly and now, she is mine. This will make getting to the Y in the early light of morning a lot faster and less tedious. I love walking but I swear to god, by the time I've hoofed it downtown, the last thing I want to do is more boring cardio.

I'm pretty excited about the fact that I can go for bike rides now. I LOVED riding my bike when I was a kid, and I've missed it for a very long time. When I still had my beloved car, I didn't need a bike. Once I got rid of the car, I....well...to be honest I was just too fat and lazy to give a shit about a bike.

So, now Betty lives in my basement and will take me out for a spin when I'm up to it once I buy her a strong new lock. A gal needs protection from the hoodlums. Hooray for Betty!

The other tool in the Boomin' Curve Acquisition (henceforth known as "the BCA") will be my Y membership. I mean, I will be there A LOT more than I am now for aquafit. They have this thing that comes with your membership where you get 5 meetings with one of their trainers and they get you set up on a workout routine to help you achieve your goals. There's some nutrition shit in there too, but since I do WW, I've got that under control.

I need someone to tell me what to do. I am so very clueless and intimidated when it comes to workouts, machines and all that stuff. I need someone to freaking spell it out for me, then I can get to work. Tonight, that happens.

Honestly, I am nerrrrrvous.

My heart of hearts wishes they'd just say "Oh, THAT'S what you want to do? Here, hold your breath this way and all the extra weight will fall off instantly". However, that doesn't seem too likely. This is going to take time, sweat and a fucking SHITLOAD of self discipline.

What I want to start doing (and remember, I said "want" for the moment, not "will") is going in the mornings before work. I can make that happen. I'll just have to get up a half hour earlier (you'd faint if you knew how early I already get up) and get my ass there.

It's do-able. I just have to do it.

I called this entry "180 degrees" because of what we talked about in our meeting today. We discussed success stories and were told to think of how we got here in the first place. I shared a bit of my story and will do the same here.

I come from fat. My dad's side of the family have always been big fat people. Well versed in debauchery and gluttony, the Bells drank, ate and lazed their way to lardass territory for years. Exercise? What's that? Pass me that vodka. Is that cake?...

My dad walked out when I was five years old. Out the door, he was gone. We were told the next day and we immediately starting living life as three instead of four. As life went on, my sister and I saw our dad once a week. It goes without saying that I missed my dad. He lived in another city and had a life outside of us. Those once a week visits usually included seeing my grandpa and aunt as well. They were Bells. They were hilarious and fun. They talked about music and movies. I looked like them. I got them. I wanted them around more often.

And there you have it, with that one feeling it all began: I wanted them around more often. I knew that my sister took after my mom's side of the family, and I took after my dad's. I wanted so badly to be like them and to identify with them, on came the pounds. Let Jennifer be skinny like mom's side, I'm a Bell, we're all fat. Look at me, Bells, I'm one of you!

Looking back, it makes me sad. Not only because I now see how messed up their lives really were, but I'm saddened to think that physical appearance played such a huge role in my life even when I was 7 years old. I was a fat, sad and lonely kid.

But, let's talk about those Bells today. My dad recently hit the weight he was when he entered university in 1964. He is a healthy and svelt 195lbs. He walks for hours every day and monitors what he eats. My aunt gave up regular strength beer, switched to lite beer and eating right and exercising like a demon. She's the fittest and thinnest she's ever been.

The Bells have done a 180. The only hold-out (besides my grandpa who died years ago) is my uncle who chooses to not do a goddamn thing about his weight problem. He's huge, miserable and has diabetes. He refuses to do any sort of physical activity because he hates it. But he does enjoy whining about how horrible he feels and how hard life is. Boohoo, jerk. Get with the program or you're going to DIE. I should mention that Bells are also stubborn as shit.

I realized recently that the very people I wanted so badly to identify with back then are still the people I want to identify with now (with the exception of my uncle). We're all older and wiser, and thankfully we are healthier. They're still fun and hilarious people, we still talk about music and movies, but now we have something even more awesome to talk about, and that's our quest to be fit and healthy.

It took almost 30 years to get here, but that is the greatest 180 degree shift in history to me. Finally, the Bells are an inspiration to me. I'm glad to be counted among them.

xo
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