The honesty's too much

Let's get this nitty-grit out of the way: I stayed the same this week. Which is absolutely fine with me, I had an excellent three week run of losses, I expected to either stay the same or gain a bit. Thankfully, it was the former and not the latter.

But let me tell you what ruined this morning's WW jaunt. (Yes, it's always something).

There was just a weigh-in this morning because the room we use in the superstore (a mondo grocery store that has meeting rooms upstairs which double as cooking classrooms) since they had some seminar planned that would overlap our meeting time.

The WI started at 8:30 and by the time I got there at around 8:45 there was already a bit of a line up. No big deal, not hordes of people. Things were moving smoothly and efficiently, no pandemonium, no riots, not so much as an impatient sigh.

When it was my turn to step on the scale, I had to go to the station manned by the one lady that I don't like dealing with. I find her bossy and fairly rude. My leader was working the other station and I hoped against hope I would get her instead. No dice.

I handed over my little book and my money for the weigh-in (since we were getting screwed out of our meetings, the weigh in was half price, sweet deal), and stepped on the scale. I saw that she recorded a loss and I got all excited until i realized that I hadn't pointed out the clerical error last week's lady had made. She had subtracted my loss but inadvertently written 292.6 instead of 291.6 in my book and on my record. I pointed it out and she only corrected it in my book.

Well, when I pointed this out to this weeks lady, she got totally annoyed. I explained it again and she made me feel like I had just dropped her tax return in a mud puddle. She got all pissy and told me "well, according to your RECORD..." to which I cut her off and pointed out the error and the logic of what I was doing. She then proceeded to tell me that she would have to check all my stats because my book was "all screwed up". Um, no, it's not. Just last week's is screwed up. Take it easy, toots. You've served maybe 8 people so far, you can't get disgruntled yet, so just drop the fucking attitude.

Two seconds later, she had it taken care of and I took my shit and left. Feeling like some sort of criminal fraud artist. Thanks, lady.

What kills me is this: I could have easily just let it go and recorded the loss. Hooray for me, another 1.4 gone, look at me go! Unstoppable! Erect statues in my honour, plan the parades, commission portraits, etc.

But that wasn't the case. I was exactly the same weight as I was last Saturday morning. I wanted the honest zero instead of the fraudulent -1.4. I did the right thing and this broad made me feel like I was trying to get away with something.

Believe me, if I was going to fart around with my stats, I would have done it way better than that. Besides, what's the point of dicking with your numbers? Yeah, I could say that I weigh 150lbs, but the size of my ass is evidence enough to the contrary. Honestly, how ridiculous.

I could have done better food-wise this week. I wasn't as rigid with my food schedule as I usually am, and that always makes a negative difference. I tracked though and I also ate a bunch of my extra points. Yeah, more caution and common sense is needed this week.

I might send an email to my leader about what went down today, but most of me wants to let it go.

xo
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Inner ear vs. Frankenankle

Thanks to some inner ear weirdness I got to waste my entire Sunday being nauseous and dizzy. OH YAY. I made it through work today with only a few episodes of dizziness, but methinks jumping in the pool tomorrow morning might be pushing it. I was totally looking forward to it too.

Booooo to common sense.

:(


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Striking distance

Yesssss. For the third consecutive week I showed a loss at the scale. For now I've broken the back and forth cycle I was stuck in. Please note that I said "For now", since I know that it could easily start again next week.

I was down 1.2 which puts me at a total loss of 12.4. I feel really good, I'm finally starting to notice big changes in my energy level and mindset, changes that are always welcome. The weather here is awesome right now (it's 22 degrees celsius today, I LOVE it) and that helps get me motivated to move more. This week, I am making a concrete effort to get to at least 2 deep aquafit sessions. The frankenankle is really being a bitch these days and I need to get my poor arthritic joints into the pool.

I went out last night to see one of my favourite bands play. Canadian punk legends and great grandads were in town and I had a really good time. Part of the reason I had such a good time, aside from the obvious, is because I felt really good in what I was wearing. Big new doc marten hiking boots, a flattering pair of skinny cut jeans and black jersey shirt that would be considered tight. It was the first time I could feel that I am starting to lose weight and I felt comfortable in the clothes I was wearing. I even exposed my upper arms which NEVER EVER EVER happens.

At the end of the night, with the assistance of my partner in crime for the evening, I got to meet the guys in the band and get my picture taken with each of them. Even more significant because I have some of their album artwork tattooed on one of those big upper arms, which just happens to be the visage of the singer. It was definitely a thrill to meet them and they rocked my face off live (again).

I'm going to do some more work on my goal-setting this weekend. We talked about goals today in the meeting and I want to come up with a goal structure that will keep me motivated and driven. Most of it will be tattoo related, but I'm sure there will other incentives thrown in there as well.

So, here's hoping that I managed to rack up at least another 1.6lb loss this week so I hit the 10% mark. I believe I can do it, so we'll just have to keep rollin' and see what happens.

xo
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Every girl should have an Andrew WK that loves her

Oh, Andrew WK, you hyper spaz in dirty clothing, where have you gone? Sure, your fad party rock anthems are a thing of the past, but someone who writes a song like "She is Beautiful" is permanently a-ok in my books.

Another pound gone forever. I'm inching closer and closer to the 10% mark in this little journey of mine. When I hit 14lbs, that will be the first 10% of this deal done. Of course, I'm talking about 10% of the weight I have to lose being gone, not 10% of my body weight. That won't happen for a while yet.

I've never really considered myself a goal-oriented person, but in something like this, a really big task, I need goals. Manageable goals. I need to have something relatively close on the radar, that's what makes it both real and doable for me.

Putting a percentage in front of me helps. I like to know that a chunk of the task at hand is done with and that as I keep working, more chunks will fall away, both literally and figuratively.

I'm finally committed to this, and as I head into week 13, I'm proud of what I'm accomplishing. 11.2 pounds are gone, and they're gone because of the work I've done. I'm changing my brain and habits, even the old ones that die so hard.

The fallout from the stomach stapling soap opera was nasty this week, I won't go into detail about it, but some shit went down and it really doesn't sit too well with me. I will say this: I find it hilarious when people can't see the hurt they've caused because they're too busy patting themselves on the back over all the good they're doing. Bravo, jackasses.

It's easter weekend and I'm proud to say that I'm not even tempted to go and consume copious amounts of chocolate or shit like that. Honestly, I walk by the easter candy displays and think "meh". The only thing that really turns my crank are Cadbury eggs or their mini-eggs. And even when I see those, I'm still in "Meh" mode. I just don't crave it or feel deprived if I don't have it. Same goes with our traditional easter foods. I'm just not into it. Yeah, I love me some scalloped potatoes or cheesy hashbrowns, but right now, taking a pass on them is no big thing.

Sometimes my lack of intense, boo-hoo cravings worries me. Kind of like when I stopped smoking, I worry that the other shoe is going to drop and it's going to drop with a resounding thud. Almost 2 and a half years later, I still don't want to smoke, it barely crosses my mind. But will that come back and bite me in the ass one day? Will it all go to shit and will I find myself puffing my lungs away? I don't know. I doubt it, but that question mark lingers in the background.

I'm more concerned about the food side of it because if that all goes to shit, I'm done for. I would eat myself into fucking oblivion. There's a good chance that if I crash and burn with this, it will be my death sentence. I've been so incredibly lucky not to have any of the co-morbidities associated with being obese (diabetes, insane blood pressure, etc). I get the feeling though, if I threw all of this away, I'd be totally down for the count. That's pretty scary to me.

It all plays on my mind but I've borrowed the mentality of a very close friend who is in recovery for something far more deadly and serious than what I'm dealing with (in my opinion). All I can do is take it one day at a time, set small, manageable goals and be grateful for this opportunity to get right. If I put too much pressure on myself, I will doom myself to certain failure. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

10% draws near, and I'm pretty excited about it. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm big on countdowns. I think that comes from years of listening to Casey Kasem every weekend when I was a kid. Every weekend was a slightly different experience, and as you got closer to the #1 song in the nation, you got this feeling of anticipation (especially if you knew it was going to be Duran Duran) and accomplishment when Casey signed off and told you to keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. (good god, what a tagline).

Yup, 11.2 down, 128.8 to go. Totally do-able. I'm sure Casey Kasem would agree.

I'm off to fight the crowds of loser yuppies at the valumart, then it's all about 2 knitting patterns that are begging to be created.

xo
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gotta gotta get away

I am aware that I desperately need a vacation. A real vacation, definitely a vacation that doesn't involve any kind of surgery on my ankle (that is how I've spent my last couple of vacations, fun fun fun).

Today I find myself wanting more. I still daydream about vanishing for a while just to concentrate on weight loss and exercise. A covert conversion. My own personal biggest loser deal. Vanity takes over my imagination sometimes, and I gotta tell ya, the thought of jaws dropping left right and centre is a pretty sweet feeling. Far-fetched, but sweet.

It is an impossible dream. My furniture is not made out of buckets of cash, and really, real life just isn't that way. Very few people can afford the time and cabbage required to run away and transform themselves. The rest of us have work, homes, and lives to deal with instead. But man, the thought of pissing off to some remote island in the south pacific to be relentlessly trained by some taskmaster trainer for a few months sounds pretty good to me right about now.

Sometimes, when the chips are down, our imaginations are all we have. Somehow, those far-fetched daydreams can be parlayed into some kind of incentive in our daily lives. One day, I will reach my goal of having lost 150lbs. One day, all of this flab will be gone for good.

One day.

I hope it's tomorrow.

Just kidding.

xo
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This bonnet is looking like a beehive.

I have a serious bee in my bonnet. I might be a swarm, that's how mad I am.

Losing a mammoth amount of weight isn't easy physically or mentally. I've carried this lard on me for the better part of 30 years, so the process of getting rid of it is like the longest, most drawn-out soap opera breakup of all time for me. But I'm working hard, I've been staying on program for the past twelve weeks and I'm happy with the changes I'm making in my life. But just because I'm alright with what I'm doing, that doesn't mean that I'm not impervious to what others say and the totally unwanted and misguided advice that other people serve up.

This is what has pissed me off:

At my nephew's birthday part on Sunday, I was sitting and talking to the step-mother who is also trying to lose weight, minding my own business. From basically out of nowhere, she mentions that a bariatric surgery place in the states is having a free information session on the stomach banding/reduction surgery and that she thinks I should go.

Hello? What, are you HIGH?

I explained to her that I already considered that route and that I'm better off doing what I'm doing. Then she STILL insisted that I should check it out. I shot back with the fact that it would cost over $20,ooo US and that in my case, it wouldn't solve the real problem.

Who fucking says that to someone who is still in the early stages of their weight loss? Who says that to anybody?!? Even worse, who insists on it after the idea has been rejected?

It just makes me feel (even though it SHOULD NOT) like I'm fucking this up, that my slow and somewhat steady progress isn't good enough. Is there that little faith in what I'm doing? Is this a fucking joke to people, and do they really think that I can't do this?

Of course, her opinion is just hers and that other friends and family are behind me, but this has really fucked me up. I didn't need to hear that, especially when I just cracked into the double digits.

I'm not calling her on it, because fighting with her is pointless, she can be a total twat when she wants to be.

Ugh. I hate that this is bothering me so much.

Double vision

FINALLY.

I finally cracked the double digits and am now sitting at a 10.2 lb total loss. I had no idea how it was going to go today, I had made some changes this week to what I was eating for lunch every day and I did walk a fair bit this week. But still, I am leery of getting my hopes up because we all know what kind of profanity laden, not safe for the eyes and ears of the delicate rant that would ensue.

Our usual leader was away this week, and I have to say that I don't like the one that subs in for her. I considered not staying for the meeting when I saw that it was her running the show this morning, but I stayed anyway. I actually really like going to the meetings and dedicating that chunk of my saturday morning to it. Also, I don't really like the idea of hauling ass across town on the bus just to step on a scale and get back on a bus immediately. That kind of sucks balls, so I like sitting down for a bit and just taking in what other people have to say about our common struggle.

Anyway, this substitute leader, I don't like her method. Not that it's radically different from Moya's or anything, but this chick is totally old school and seems to have a problem getting to the freaking point. And then there's the flip sheets. Oh, how there are flip sheets. It seems like for every point she (eventually) makes, there's a fucking flip sheet. Yes, visual aids can be helpful, but when you constantly get tied up in them or can't find the page you're looking for, you just gotta cut that shit out.

When I called my dad for the weekly check-in (he and his wife are doing their own weight-loss thing right now), he called me a weasel because I had lost this week. Dad and Kathie are stuck in some plateaus right now, so it was definitely a "Good for you, you weasel!" moment. He's stuck at 8 and Kathie is stuck at 10. Not too shabby, but I know exactly how they feel. I come by my "I want it all NOW" tantrums honestly, my dad can be the king of those. At least we can laugh about it, right? What freakin' brats we Bells can be.

So, on to week 12. More movement, better food planning and hopefully some more success at the scale. I want to make this a roll, not a fluke.

xo
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