Pull up...

I need some inspiration. Up a pound this week. Not happy at all about that.

I feel like I'm losing my focus, and this can't happen. But, for the life of me, I can't seem to dig up some new inspiration.

Hopefully this shit mood passes, and was just that. A shitty mood.


Ugh.


LB

prescription for disaster

So apparently the arthritis drug I'm on causes weight gain. GREAT.

I guess it has to do something since it does sweet bugger all for the pain...

SIGH.

LB

Big Mouth

I managed to shed 0.6lbs this week. Yeah, super. Thanks for comin' out. Yes, I know a loss is a loss, but honestly, for that amount? Gimme a break. I've belched heavier than 0.6 lbs.

Of course, I was asked at the start of the meeting how my week went. All I could do was shrug my shoulders and say "Meh". Why, oh why, didn't I just lie and say it was good?!? And when she asked who jumps on the scale every day, why the shit did I put up my hand?!?!?!? This personal accountability and honesty thing really needs to get over itself!

Because I was honest and vocal, now I have Weight Watchers penance to serve. Moya started a travelling tracker for our meeting group and guess who is the first tracker? Yup, your old pal Thuseybelle is on the hook for that one. Yeah, that was the other part of my confessional: that I totally fucked the dog on tracking this week. (Hey, mental filter, any time now! Jesus.)

The travelling tracker will go to a different person each week, good luck to those who take a peek at my week, it will be hieroglyphics to them because my handwriting is so atrocious.

Add to my double tracking duties 7 stickers. Yes, for some reason I 'fessed up that I habitually step on the scale each morning (remember weeks ago when I was all "yeah, I'm going to ignore my scale during the week, I'm so awesome"? Right, yeah. Didn't happen.) and now I have a strip of seven stickers, 1 for each day that I stay off my shitty, horribly inaccurate scale. I'm not the only one who got one of those strips today, thankfully. Now I just have to get that shitty scale outta my sight. And stay off the one at the gym. Faaaak, the Y scale is one of the slidey doctor scales that I love. It will taunt me both on the way to and from the pool. Bastard.

So yeah, I got my ass kicked, but really, I have it coming to me. I haven't been tracking as well as I should, I haven't been eating enough points in a day (shame!) and I resumed my fling with Tim Horton's coffee in the morning more than once this week (double double shame!)

Such a frustrating but good meeting. Sometimes I need my chops busted to really get my priorities in order. I didn't fall off the food wagon at all, everything has been done within reason, but I need to get back to documenting it all and backing myself up here.

Fun fact: my first day of public tracking included a 22 point father's day lunch at Montana's. Son of a bitch! Sigh.

But I wrote it down in the travelling tracker.

In pen.

xo
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For once, I'll believe the hype.

Wow.

WOW.

I just made my first "Crack Shake", this wicked smoothie/shake recipe passed on by my fellow blogger A Daunting Tale of Scale Warfare. It's one of those surprisingly low in points type things that tastes like heaven in a counter top appliance.

All I can say is this: HOLY SHEEEEEYIT. That shit is good. I am so glad I bought a blender.

Wow.

xo
lb

goggles vs. blinders

Oh Mother Nature, you water-lovin' skank. I was up 1.6 this week thanks to the female monthly condition. Oh well, after last week's surprise loss, I can take it.

Lemme ask you guys something (keep in mind that even if you aren't a blogger member, you can still comment anonymously but I need you to you sign your name to it) and I want you to think about it.

Here's the question: Do you know what you look like?

It sounds like a silly question, but really think about it. You may know what parts of you look like (usually the ones that you're less than happy with), but do you really know what you look like, all parts put together? Are you remotely surprised when you see yourself in photos or a full length mirror? Do you get the same feeling when you see yourself as you do when you hear your own voice on voice mail or tape?

Be honest now, because I honestly think that complete self awareness is much more rare than the average person would believe, if it actually happens at all.

Personally, I have NO idea what I look like. Even losing weight, I simply do not see a difference in myself. It's not that I have a negative self image, I just don't really have a self-image to begin with. I know that my body is bigger than it should be. I know that I don't like the way parts of me are shaped, and I know there are parts of me that I love love love. But if you asked me to quickly sketch what I look like, I'd be at a complete loss. You'd probably get a bunch of individual body part sketches, but there's no way I could give you anything close to a comprehensive full-body concept.

While out for dinner with my pal Pam this week, I asked her for her honest opinion when I showed her my photo ID card for the Y. Knowing that Pam wouldn't pull any punches, I asked her "between this photo and my actual face, do you see a difference?". Honestly, I expected a "yeah, a bit" or a "kind of". But the answer I got was a resounding "yes!" backed up with a description of how my face and neck have changed.

It was a relief to hear it, because part of the reason I get discouraged is that I can't see the subtle (or not so subtle) changes. She also reminded me that by the end of the summer, I will notice a huge difference, and she's right. I figure that by labour day, if I keep to current patterns, I will have hit my 10% lost mark (I'm keeping on the conservative side of estimation, I don't want to set myself up for a fall) and hopefully, I will actually be able to see a change.

Only time and effort will show me what I need to see. Right now, I'm focusing less on exercise (outside of walking and aquafit) because it does tend to screw with my numbers. I'm stuck in a bit of a depression right now, and I know that I need to see that number going down. If I was in a better mood, I'd be able to take the hit and know that while the number isn't moving as much, that I'm toning and developing muscles. But for now, I need to see the number going down, even if I can't see the change that is happening.

Or maybe I'm just crazy. It's a definite possibility.

xo
LB

Regularly Scheduled Programming

I am inching ever closer to the first dose of reward ink, friends. I managed to ditch 3.8 lbs this week, putting me at a grand total of 17.8 gone forever. Another 7.2 and I will hit my first reward of getting 1 of my tattoos completely finished off. It feels good to be back on track after a frustrating few weeks. Despite my horrible mood, I feel good about this.

This week I decided to do something out of character for me and I planned a vacation trip for mid-July. This is strange for me because a) I've spent my last two vacations recovering from separate surgeries on the poor, embattled Frankenankle and b) I will be travelling alone for the first time (aside from solo bus and train trips to Toronto and back).

I booked a week off and decided that I needed a change of scenery, something that will make me really value the time I'm taking off. I'll be hopping on the train and travelling to the beautiful city of Montreal. There are 2 museum exhibits I want to see and on the way back home I will be stopping in to see my very best friend and her beautiful family.

I'm nervous and excited at the same time. I rarely travel, and it feels a bit weird to be going by myself. Admittedly, I feel a bit pathetic, but at the same time, my dad always used to do shit like this before he married my step-mom. New scenery in an interesting place, and two really cool exhibits. Sign me up!

xo
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