goggles vs. blinders

Oh Mother Nature, you water-lovin' skank. I was up 1.6 this week thanks to the female monthly condition. Oh well, after last week's surprise loss, I can take it.

Lemme ask you guys something (keep in mind that even if you aren't a blogger member, you can still comment anonymously but I need you to you sign your name to it) and I want you to think about it.

Here's the question: Do you know what you look like?

It sounds like a silly question, but really think about it. You may know what parts of you look like (usually the ones that you're less than happy with), but do you really know what you look like, all parts put together? Are you remotely surprised when you see yourself in photos or a full length mirror? Do you get the same feeling when you see yourself as you do when you hear your own voice on voice mail or tape?

Be honest now, because I honestly think that complete self awareness is much more rare than the average person would believe, if it actually happens at all.

Personally, I have NO idea what I look like. Even losing weight, I simply do not see a difference in myself. It's not that I have a negative self image, I just don't really have a self-image to begin with. I know that my body is bigger than it should be. I know that I don't like the way parts of me are shaped, and I know there are parts of me that I love love love. But if you asked me to quickly sketch what I look like, I'd be at a complete loss. You'd probably get a bunch of individual body part sketches, but there's no way I could give you anything close to a comprehensive full-body concept.

While out for dinner with my pal Pam this week, I asked her for her honest opinion when I showed her my photo ID card for the Y. Knowing that Pam wouldn't pull any punches, I asked her "between this photo and my actual face, do you see a difference?". Honestly, I expected a "yeah, a bit" or a "kind of". But the answer I got was a resounding "yes!" backed up with a description of how my face and neck have changed.

It was a relief to hear it, because part of the reason I get discouraged is that I can't see the subtle (or not so subtle) changes. She also reminded me that by the end of the summer, I will notice a huge difference, and she's right. I figure that by labour day, if I keep to current patterns, I will have hit my 10% lost mark (I'm keeping on the conservative side of estimation, I don't want to set myself up for a fall) and hopefully, I will actually be able to see a change.

Only time and effort will show me what I need to see. Right now, I'm focusing less on exercise (outside of walking and aquafit) because it does tend to screw with my numbers. I'm stuck in a bit of a depression right now, and I know that I need to see that number going down. If I was in a better mood, I'd be able to take the hit and know that while the number isn't moving as much, that I'm toning and developing muscles. But for now, I need to see the number going down, even if I can't see the change that is happening.

Or maybe I'm just crazy. It's a definite possibility.

xo
LB