This has been a hard week (not food wise, I managed to keep it together in that respect), things were slow at work because of the holiday that fell mid-week, and some other crappy crap happened that I won't go into since it was crappy private crap that turned out alright in the end.
When I last posted, I was feeling like I was losing my focus. Such a scary feeling. It was all very "big picture" oriented and the fact that I still have well over 100lbs to go was completely bringing me down. Knowing that I still have the equivalent of an adult human to lose is a tad overwhelming. I do my best to NOT think of the situation in those terms, but my brain went there and was fixin' to sit a spell.
I am finally starting to come around though, because I know that I just cannot think about the ultimate goal yet. I will drive myself stark raving mad if I do. For now, I just need to get to 20lbs gone. Then to 25. Then to 30. You undoubtedly get the picture.
The time has come to start upping the activity. Yes, it may screw with my numbers, but as much as I need need need to see those numbers go down right now, I need need need need to make my gut start to disappear. I'm sick of this stupid belly. This ass. These bingo wings. It's time to start working on the boomin' curves that I desperately want.
Here's one thing that will help with that:
Her name is Betty. She is sparkly and now, she is mine. This will make getting to the Y in the early light of morning a lot faster and less tedious. I love walking but I swear to god, by the time I've hoofed it downtown, the last thing I want to do is more boring cardio.I'm pretty excited about the fact that I can go for bike rides now. I LOVED riding my bike when I was a kid, and I've missed it for a very long time. When I still had my beloved car, I didn't need a bike. Once I got rid of the car, I....well...to be honest I was just too fat and lazy to give a shit about a bike.
So, now Betty lives in my basement and will take me out for a spin when I'm up to it once I buy her a strong new lock. A gal needs protection from the hoodlums. Hooray for Betty!
The other tool in the Boomin' Curve Acquisition (henceforth known as "the BCA") will be my Y membership. I mean, I will be there A LOT more than I am now for aquafit. They have this thing that comes with your membership where you get 5 meetings with one of their trainers and they get you set up on a workout routine to help you achieve your goals. There's some nutrition shit in there too, but since I do WW, I've got that under control.
I need someone to tell me what to do. I am so very clueless and intimidated when it comes to workouts, machines and all that stuff. I need someone to freaking spell it out for me, then I can get to work. Tonight, that happens.
Honestly, I am nerrrrrvous.
My heart of hearts wishes they'd just say "Oh, THAT'S what you want to do? Here, hold your breath this way and all the extra weight will fall off instantly". However, that doesn't seem too likely. This is going to take time, sweat and a fucking SHITLOAD of self discipline.
What I want to start doing (and remember, I said "want" for the moment, not "will") is going in the mornings before work. I can make that happen. I'll just have to get up a half hour earlier (you'd faint if you knew how early I already get up) and get my ass there.
It's do-able. I just have to do it.
I called this entry "180 degrees" because of what we talked about in our meeting today. We discussed success stories and were told to think of how we got here in the first place. I shared a bit of my story and will do the same here.
I come from fat. My dad's side of the family have always been big fat people. Well versed in debauchery and gluttony, the Bells drank, ate and lazed their way to lardass territory for years. Exercise? What's that? Pass me that vodka. Is that cake?...
My dad walked out when I was five years old. Out the door, he was gone. We were told the next day and we immediately starting living life as three instead of four. As life went on, my sister and I saw our dad once a week. It goes without saying that I missed my dad. He lived in another city and had a life outside of us. Those once a week visits usually included seeing my grandpa and aunt as well. They were Bells. They were hilarious and fun. They talked about music and movies. I looked like them. I got them. I wanted them around more often.
And there you have it, with that one feeling it all began: I wanted them around more often. I knew that my sister took after my mom's side of the family, and I took after my dad's. I wanted so badly to be like them and to identify with them, on came the pounds. Let Jennifer be skinny like mom's side, I'm a Bell, we're all fat. Look at me, Bells, I'm one of you!
Looking back, it makes me sad. Not only because I now see how messed up their lives really were, but I'm saddened to think that physical appearance played such a huge role in my life even when I was 7 years old. I was a fat, sad and lonely kid.
But, let's talk about those Bells today. My dad recently hit the weight he was when he entered university in 1964. He is a healthy and svelt 195lbs. He walks for hours every day and monitors what he eats. My aunt gave up regular strength beer, switched to lite beer and eating right and exercising like a demon. She's the fittest and thinnest she's ever been.
The Bells have done a 180. The only hold-out (besides my grandpa who died years ago) is my uncle who chooses to not do a goddamn thing about his weight problem. He's huge, miserable and has diabetes. He refuses to do any sort of physical activity because he hates it. But he does enjoy whining about how horrible he feels and how hard life is. Boohoo, jerk. Get with the program or you're going to DIE. I should mention that Bells are also stubborn as shit.
I realized recently that the very people I wanted so badly to identify with back then are still the people I want to identify with now (with the exception of my uncle). We're all older and wiser, and thankfully we are healthier. They're still fun and hilarious people, we still talk about music and movies, but now we have something even more awesome to talk about, and that's our quest to be fit and healthy.
It took almost 30 years to get here, but that is the greatest 180 degree shift in history to me. Finally, the Bells are an inspiration to me. I'm glad to be counted among them.
xo
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