Holding pattern

It was weigh-in day today, and I was exactly where I was last week. Right down to the decimal point. 300.6. It's been a weird week, both WW-wise and everything else-wise. I stayed on program and on-target with my points but honestly, I could have made some better choices. I fully own up to that.

I need to start cooking ahead, really getting into what I'm doing. I want to be one of those people that has an amazing database of recipes burned on their brain, stuff that is shockingly good for you but you'd never know it. I took some time to pick up some produce and a few other healthy items after the meeting (which is held in meeting rooms above a big grocery store) and will make some soup tomorrow loaded with vegetables.

Honestly, I'm annoyed that I stayed the same, even though I really shouldn't be. It's mainly because in my heart of hearts, I want magic to happen every week on that scale. Miracles. Breakthroughs. I want them, but never ever expect them. You have to do the work to see the results and any fuck-ups I had this week are all down to me and the choices that I make.

But part of me would like to blame the piece super-rad homemade carrot cake my step-mom made for my dad's birthday dinner. That shit is off the charts. I would LIKE to blame that, but I can't. I tracked that motherfucker, though.

Maybe next week I'll finally be out of the 300's for good. We'll see. I'm going to do the work, make the right choices and we'll see how it goes.

I'm still annoyed, though. No one needs to know that I'm pouting right now.

xo
LB

rock rock y'all, tick tock y'all

I had forgotten how cool it is when something in my own life clicks with a topic that has come up in a meeting. Today I noticed my hunger cycle and just how finely tuned it can be.

On Saturday, Moya touched on the topic of actual hunger vs. emotional eating and how to listen to what your body is telling you. One lady in the group said that before she started weight watchers, she had absolutely NO idea what hunger felt like. Her stomach had never growled or anything. I can't even get my head around that one.

In the new trackers (I say "new" because I kick it old school. Selection Plan '94/Points plan '99, yo) there's a graphy-type area where you can chart the peaks and lows of your hunger throughout today. But dudes, I don't seem to need that graph shiz, because my hunger runs like clockwork.

6:15 am = breakfast which kept me going for quite a while. All of a sudden...BOOM. Starving. I looked at the clock and it was 10:00 on the dot, my usual morning snack time. So I chow down on a cup of Corn Bran cereal (which is the shit, by the way, it's cap'n cruch for adults who dig fibre). I work away for a while the...BOOM! Starving. I turn to see my friend Diane summoning me for lunch, two hours had passed. Same thing happened at 3:00 (afternoon break time), and then again at dinner. Like a Swiss fucking watch. It's neat to know that I'm getting dialled in on this business.

I must be doing something right with all this. Hunger is a good sign, it tells me that my body is doing something it's supposed to.

To think I used to coast through the whole day on nothing but coffee, stress and a chocolate bar. I really don't know how I'm still alive sometimes.

For the rest of the week I'm working at our downtown location which means I get to hoof it to get to work instead of hopping on the bus, thank god. I feel like a slug today. I just walked over to the grocery store (a whopping 5 minutes away) to get food for Team Goombah (the kitties) but it didn't help the slug feeling it all. Bleeeaaaaaah.

I need to get a Y membership going. It's time to start kicking out the workout jams.

xo
LB

Contents under pressure may explode if heated.

I find it ironic that I'm such a creature of habit but at the same time, I grow so bored and irritated with certain routines.

In the past, living within the Selection Plan structure or counting points would get tedious. The foods that fell within the guidelines got boring. I would grow restless and resentful of the fact that I wasn't "allowed" to go on a Taco Bell bender by choice. Who are these assholes who are taking my money only to tell me what I can and can't eat? That's some fucking nerve....blah blah blah. Within minutes I'd have polished off half of a 7 layer burrito and a considerable part of the mondo size pop that went with it. (For the record, a 7 layer burrito = 12 points. I regularly ordered 2 of 'em back in the day, with a huge drink and a side of nachos w/cheese. My heart hurts just thinking about it.)

I realize now that my resentment and faux-anarchy was just a lame fucking cover. The most cowardly way out of acknowledging my own lack of self-discipline. My motives for starting WW had been all wrong. Usually I was doing it for someone else, not for me. Family, friends, boyfriend. Mistake number one. Moya touched on that in yesterday's meeting, you have to be doing this for yourself, and no one else.

Two years ago yesterday, I stopped smoking after 20 years. Just like that. I decided to stop, and that was it. You will notice that I use the word "stop" instead of "quit". To me, that choice of words means everything. Quit has such a negative tone for me. It's also so overwhelming. Done. Finito. The End. That's pretty massive and has so much pressure attached to it. If you quit, and then go back to it, you're some kind of failure. I don't need that kind of shit put on me, especially when it's ME that's doing the putting.

I decided to "stop", just to see how I would do. If I started again, it was alright because a good friend of mine had offered to help me out with laser therapy to help me stop for good. If I didn't start again, even better. But my attitude remained casual and stress-free and I can honestly say that in the two years that have gone by, I haven't even wanted so much as a drag off a cigarette. No appeal whatsoever.

Having started this new process of ditching the lard, I am taking the same sort of attitude. Let's just do this and see what happens. If I succeed, excellent. If I don't succeed, then we'll find another way. The last thing I need is pressure, that's the best way to ensure my failure.

I like this mindset. It makes things a lot easier to get my head around. This time I'm doing this for me, and no one else. I don't have to worry about guilt trips, being looked down upon or pressured into something I don't want to do. I'm the one paying the dollars, I'm the one making the choices. I don't have to answer to anyone but me, really. And that's the way it should be.

Right now, I'm totally into this. I am drawing great inspiration from some of the blogs I read, the people at my meeting, and the knowledge that I'm doing something good for myself.

Here is my first outside goal: I want to drop enough so I can go back to wearing my spike belt again. I loved slipping that into my work clothes whenever possible, dress code be damned. I have it hanging on a bookcase because it certainly doesn't fit me anymore. I miss it, not as much as my leather jacket which was so heinously stolen from the trunk of my car, but I still miss it. What can I say? I'm an old punk rock girlie who loves her shit.

I will get there, eventually. It's all about establishing goals that I can manage. A spike belt here, an old skirt there. It's all possible, I just have to give myself time.

xo
LB

Week 2

Well, this morning I hit up the 10:15 meeting. I found last week's meeting to be really crowded and thought I'd take a chance on the slightly later meeting this week, and I'm glad I did! I got there about 45 minutes before the meeting started and didn't have to deal with the line-up to weigh in, and it gave me plenty of time to check out the new material I got for week two (about activity) and the kit I had bought which has some awesome books in it.

On my way to the meeting, I was nervous, I had been for the past few days. I really didn't know what was going to happen on the scale because I felt like I had eaten a ton of food this week and haven't gotten myself into a eating routine yet. However, as I rode the bus there, I found myself at peace with whatever outcome came about. If I gained, it was fine. At least I was doing something about it. If I lost, awesome, keep it up.

So, I arrived at the meeting space (it's at the Superstore on Oxford east, they have nice meeting rooms upstairs) and the other meeting had just let out, so there was hardly anybody there. I headed for the scale area and just told myself "it is what it is". I was there, at the meeting, and that's what mattered most.

The lady did some administrative stuff, and I stepped on the scale. The staff have the readings faced toward them, for confidentiality's sake, and if you're on the scale, you can see what it says. Today it said 300.6.

As much as my brain had tried to convince me otherwise, I am down 3.4 from my recorded starting weight of 304. I actually let a "WHOA!" slip out of my mouth, I was so surprised. And incredibly pleased, to say the least.

In the meeting, Moya (the woman who runs the Saturday meetings) talked about emotional eating, she's a fantastic leader and a great speaker. We also got into a discussion about scales at home (weird, eh? I just blogged about that in "Temptation #1") and almost everyone there had the same issues I have with it. I am going to pack my scale away, it will make me crazy if I don't. I just have to have faith in myself and do the work required. What happens, happens.

Funny, when the meeting started, I thought the attendance was lower than the earlier meeting, but when it was over, I looked around and it was standing room only. It made me feel really good, to be part of this community. I'm very much not alone in what I'm doing, and that is very helpful to know.

Here comes another week, another week I'm willing to do the work required to make myself a healthier, happier person. Another week where I take back the control I lost many years ago. Another week of learning and doing. I have to say that so far, I love it.

xo
LB

The four year old filter.

One of the things that got me thinking about this joyful reunion happened over the holidays, and let me tell you, there has never been a more perfect example of "from the mouths of babes".

Let me tell you about my niece Leona. She is adorable, hilarious and the little pixie apple of my eye. Not to say that I am playing favourites among my nieces and nephews, she just has the blonde pixie area covered.

After brunch at my dad's, Leona retired to the den to watch Toopy and Binou (uuuugh!) and I wandered in to see what she was up to. I walked past her and she said, giggling as only pixies do, "Auntie Lesley, your bum is really big. It's because you're too fat."

She's four. She's adorable. AS IF I could be angry about that. But she's right. My ass is too big and it ain't because of implants. She didn't have a drop of malice or mockery in her statement, it was a good old, plain truth, kids say the darndest things observation. Of course I had to be a responsible auntie and say "Now, Leona, while that may be very true, you don't say that to people." Pixie giggles abounded, I'll let her mother deal with that one.

I caught a reflection of my seated self yesterday at work, and not only did it confirm my suspicion of the old jeans I was wearing as being NOT flattering, it strengthened my resolved to kick out the jams and get healthy.

Thinking about the meeting that's coming up the day after tomorrow, I am actually nervous. Dudes, you have to eat A LOT on this program. Healthy, good food, yeah, but shit dudes, it feels like soooo much (when I know it's really not).

I am getting that familiar nervous feeling in my stomach. I had it last week too for some reason. I worry that I'm going to step on that official scale and either nothing will have happened or, worse, I will have somehow gained weight. I don't want to have a "You're doing it wrong" moment, you know?

We'll just see what the scale tells me on Saturday morning. As long as I'm working at it, that counts for something in my brain. Hey, it hasn't even been a week yet, I need to chill the fuck out.

xo
LB

Temptation #1

Of course it wouldn't take long before some sort of temptation would pop up. I figured it would be pizza-based or some shit like that, but I was pleasantly surprised to find it easy not to graze or binge this weekend. That's the bitch about living alone, no one sees what you get up to and it's soooo easy to think along the lines of "oh hell ya, I can eat this can of frosting without witnesses, no one will ever know! I can't find a spoon....oh who needs a spoon? that's what fingers are for...."

Nope, the temptation that hit this morning wasn't food related at all. It happened when I started getting ready this morning. I saw the scale looking at me in the bathroom and I really wanted to weigh myself to see if anything had happened yet.

I really should just throw that scale out. I really only want to get weighed at the meeting because a) it's official and b) if I start weighing myself more often, any progress I see will soon turn to frustration or disappointment. It's happened before, and it's such a let down.

Besides, I love the sense of anticipation at the weekly weigh-in. It's usually not too much of a shock because if you've tracked all week, you should have a pretty good idea what's going to happen. Unless you hit a plateau, that kind of sucks when you've been workin' at it all week only to see no change. On the flip side of that, it is a really positive thing that you didn't gain anything, little comfort, I know.

So, I resisted the temptation this morning, I didn't hop on the scale to see if anything had happened so far. It has only been a couple of days, so it's unrealistic to think anything substantial would show. My pops weighs himself every goddamn day. I've told him more than once that it's not a healthy thing to do, but he'll hear none of it. It helps him gauge how far he is going to walk that day (that motherfucker is nuts, he walks for hours every day, he's done that for YEARS). He's obsessed, but it's just become a part of who he is. He is still incredibly healthy and even though he's in his sixties, you'd be hard-pressed to guess that.

I'm resolving to keep off the scale until my Saturday meetings. I may succeed, I may not. Time will tell.

xo
LB

(originally posted in the old blog on Monday January 19, 2009)

This must be the place

The minute I walked in, I knew I had made the right decision. The feeling among the people there was happy and familiar. Exactly what I needed.

Once the paperwork was done, I stepped on the scale and my weight was recorded. This time, instead of cursing out the scale and myself, I felt fine. I felt confident in the fact that this was the last time I would see a number that high on my sheet.

The meeting got underway and right off the bat, I loved the woman who runs the show. All the meeting leaders are WW lifetime members who have achieved their goals and maintained them. She has a great personality and is a great speaker. It's traits like that that make a huge difference. It motivates me if the person who is guiding me through this is positive and funny. If they were stern and unfeeling, I would be finished before I even got started.

I'm going to spend the rest of my night reading more of the materials I was given today (program basics, etc), but from what I've read and heard so far, it totally makes sense. Some of it draws on the previous programs they've run so it's not completely foreign territory for me. I started at WW fourteen years ago (I know, holy shit, eh?) and have been involved in both Selection and Points plans. Momentum is still points-based, but it has been retooled to focus on filling foods that will keep you satisfied longer and making healthier, more sensible choices.

I feel so good, it feels great to finally be getting going on this. It was totally worth braving the windchill and nervous stomach to go there this morning. And having the love and support of so many friends and family members (you know who you are!) helps more than you can even imagine.

It has been a long time since I have felt this positive about what I was doing. I'm doing something right for a change! Shocking, I know.

Peace out.

LB

(originally posted in the old blog on Saturday January 17, 2009)