Problem Solved.

I'm late with this, I know it. But at least it's because yesterday was super busy and I had very little time to sit down and blog it out. I know, I go from complete standstill to full steam ahead. Ridiculous.

Yesterday was awesome. I started out by flying completely solo to my meeting for the first time since before my surgery. Since I started back, my dad had been picking me up from my meeting and assisting with some grocery shopping. But since my sister Norah was back on the scene (my grocery source while I was down), I was able to take the bus both to and from the meeting and then do groceries separately with her. It felt good to get another step closer to normal despite the tiredness involved.

You see, walking on crutches with the boot cast really sucked because of some really awful shin pain that I was experiencing. This pain was a mystery and it was also seriously screwing up my progress in terms of walking. NOT HAPPY. This has been a good experience but I am SO done with it. But onward I go, attempting to have patience.

The meeting was good, I talked a lot and walked away feeling good about the 0.4 I lost this week. Awesome. The night before I had gone to see "Voyage to Betterment" with my pal Aimee and it is really helping with getting my head back into this game full swing.

Last night I got to travel to Goderich, Ontario to watch my local Roller Derby gals tear it up at the arena. I spent a lot of time on Lake Huron as a kid, and being able to say hi to one of my favourite areas of this world while I was there did wonders for my spirits. And it was some good goddamn derby too, those London girls are A-1 in my books.

That left today to do some housework and putter around. I woke up, put my boot on and started to move around. Knowing that this is the last week of wearing it, I was frustrated and worried that the amount of pain I was having was going screw up my recovery schedule.

I got to thinking. I wonder what would happen if I tried to walk with just shoes on both feet. Hmmmm. HMMMMMMM. I laced up some shoes, grabbed my crutches, took a deep breath, and started to move.

And whaddya know: no pain, and walking is a million times easier. So much easier that only one crutch is really needed at this point. You have no idea how good it feels to be that much closer to walking freely.

So long and thanks for all the fish, boot cast.

My little walking victory today relates to my weight loss process, too. Sometimes you have to push your own boundaries, and get outside your comfort zone in order to achieve what you really want and desperately need: positive change.

When you think of it, that stupid comfort zone gets us into trouble more often than we choose to acknowledge. Complacency, laziness, they all stem out of that comfort zone. We need to challenge ourselves, push ourselves, scare ourselves, in order to wake up to a new scenario. Even if it fails miserably, the effort you put into it shows you just how committed you are to yourself. Think about it.

xo
lb

You know we're krush groovin'

Another week, another weigh-in. You have no idea how much I like being able to say that again.

I was up 0.2 this week which is a bit of a drag, but definitely not the end of the world. I have been walking/hobbling more this week, as well as starting physiotherapy, so all of that combined with still adjusting to getting back to work could be to blame for that little tiny gain.

Now I have to go to physio twice a week to try and get the Frankenankle in decent shape. this week I had a lot of trouble with a constant shin splint which was not a lot of fun, but hopefully it will start to subside soon.

I managed to stay on plan with my food all week, and I was a faithful tracker. This renewed focus feels good, I'm just going to roll with it as long as possible :)

In other news: I just found $5 in my bra and I don't remember putting it there. Huh.

xo
lb

Back In Action

Today was the day I went back to my Saturday routine of getting up early and heading off to fat camp. It's been a long three months and I felt strong and mobile enough to go back.

This morning's journey also served as a test run of mobility-challenged me taking the bus, which made me nervous, but I was fine. So, dad can go back to doing whatever it is he does in the mornings as I can get to work on my own.

So, let's talk numbers, shall we? 3.8 seems like a good number to talk about, and it's appropriate since that's how much I'm DOWN. Yeah, that's right, 3.8 gone whilst sitting on my ass for three months. That puts me at an even 36 lost, and it's fuel for the fire. I'm hellbent on getting the rest of this lard off me, this was definitely a good way of hitting the reset button.

Now, I'm exhausted. Dad met me after the meeting and we did my grocery shopping. I did a lot of walking on those damn crutches and I suspect I won't be able to move my arms tomorrow. Fine by me. I just need enough motion to knit, and I'll be fine.

Time to go kick back and relax. Peace oot!

xo
LB

Game On

I've got my lunch packed, complete with snacks for morning and afternoon. My water bottle is at the ready, and my new tracker is front and centre.

Today, I return to work after three long months of convalescence here at home. My normal routine is coming back and it is definitely welcome. The only missing element is my beloved Y regime, but that will start again in September. Once I'm fully mobile, back to the pool I go.

I feel good, and I feel focused. And I'll finally be able to start writing about weight loss again.

thanks for hanging in there with me!

xo
lb

Inferno

Yesterday's jaunt to see my orthopedic surgeon was well worth it! I am now weight bearing on the good ol' Frankenankle and over the next couple of weeks I can wean myself off the crutches I have to use. I have to continue wearing the boot for the next 4 weeks and then I'm in the clear!

Taking some steps yesterday felt AMAZING. I'm finally feeling closer to normal, and it's such a relief. Later on in the day I had a tattoo sitting (looks SO good, can't wait to finish it on sept 3) and my artist gave me one of the new shop t-shirts. Proudly, I can say that I had to go with the Large instead of the X-large. I have no idea how long it's been since I've been in that position.

I feel great. SO great. Back to work on Monday, meetings won't be far behind! I'm totally renewed in my mission to make myself greater.

Yes, yesterday RULED.

xo
lb

All Fired Up

Here it is, the last week of my 3 months of housebound recovery. I've been on my butt since my surgery on May 10th. Let me tell you (even though I already have), that gimpin' ain't easy.

I'm getting really excited to get a move on and be able to walk a little bit. On Wednesday, I go see Bone Doctor who will (hopefully) be telling me that it's cool to be 50% weight bearing at this point. I'll be able to walk with the aid of my crutches, and within certain limits, but it's walking just the same. I'll also be finding out what kind of physio schedule I'll have to deal with, but any progress is good!

THEN, I get to visit one of my favouritest places on earth: the tattoo shop! Oh sweet mother am I ever excited about that. I finally get to mark the end of this part of the journey.

After I get through this week, I'll be able to consider getting back to my regular meetings and really start kicking out the jams to get back on the full time weight loss train.

I'm pretty proud of the fact that I've made a real effort to stay on the wagon despite being down for so long and not being able to really weigh in. Nothing disastrous, no hopeless feeling of "can't go home again". I haven't wavered on my plans to get back to meetings as soon as I could manage it and weigh in, I haven't deviated from my long term goals. If this surgery had happened before I'd gone back to WW, there's no way I would be thinking like this. I would have given up and completely screwed myself over.

With this motivation building up, I decided to see what three months spent sitting on my ass (literally, no walkies whatsoever) has done to my measurements. Of course, since I feel like Jabba the Hut these days, I was scared to break out the tape measure to assess the damage. Curiousity won out in the end, though. And man, it was worth my while to measure up.

I've managed to ditch some inches over the past 3 months, and I'm not even talking about the 3 that I've lost off my right calf thanks to the magic of muscle atrophy.

I've lost over an inch off my waist and hips! What the what?

How does that happen when I've been completely inactive all this time? Doesn't matter, I'm just so glad to see those two numbers went down a bit. I thought for sure that they would have gone up, sometimes it's good to be wrong.

This happy news is just spurring me on to get back to the normal routine, to keep eating well and just to keep going in general. What could have totally fucked me up has given me encouragement. All systems are getting back to go. This is a very good thing.

Alright alright alright!

xo
LB

Bearing Witness

I've always said that I like going to my weekly meetings because I can identify with what everyone in the room is going through, and that sense of community and shared experience makes a huge difference in how I get through this process. It's 100% true, and I miss those people dearly, but there's another part of identification that is heartbreaking and hard to watch.

Some of my closest friends are fighting this fight as well, and despite the laughter and self-deprecating humour that we all employ, it kills me to hear the frustration and see the tears when it comes time to really talk about the fact that we're not happy with ourselves and our physical appearances. The fatigue from physical strain, the clothes that don't fit, the waning confidence, all of it. At the time in our lives when we should be happiest, we are unhappy with ourselves.

Knowing what I go through, and what I had done to myself through years of self-neglect, is one thing. But seeing these women struggle and not be comfortable in their own beautiful skin kills me because I know there's no magic word or secret handshake that I can give them to alleviate their suffering.

It's an uphill battle that everyone, to a degree, fights alone. We make the food choices, we make the exercise choices, we call the shots. And the hardest thing to admit is that we're ignoring ourselves for the sake of others, even though it sounds like the right thing to do. I did it for a long time, because I didn't feel that I deserved that kind of dedication to myself. I should be working, I should be doing this, I should be doing that instead. I let myself get like this, did this to myself, how dare I be so selfish in trying to fix it?

The day to day lives of my friends are very different from mine. Different demands on their time and attention, different careers, different circumstances. But aside from rock solid friendships, we're bound by the desire to change and save ourselves, inside and out, whatever the motivation. The spark is in all of them, and I know that each and every one of them will absolutely succeed in making their changes when the time is right for them.

Some of them read this blog, and I want to remind them that they're not alone, and that they're beautiful and successful women through and through. I know so much of what you go through physically and emotionally, and even though I hate that you have to experience some of the same negative shit that I've had to slog through, I am glad I can be here to listen and truly understand.

Whatever path any of you choose, I will support you 100% of the way, because you've done just that for me. I fight this daily battle alone, but the support I get from my friends and family is a huge factor in my success thus far.

If I can offer one piece of advice, it is this: When you decide to make a change, however small, get excited about it. Don't think of it as a task, think of it as an adventure. Even if it's something that you've tried before and it wasn't successful. Get excited about it as if it's a new experience, because really, it is. Make it fun for yourself, not something that warrants an eye roll, a curse word or a feeling of dread. It's a positive change, keep it positive at every level.

In a week or two I'll be back in action and back at my weekly meeting. I can't wait. I've missed it so goddamn much. I have a renewed mental picture of myself going forward down the line, and I'm EXCITED. I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything, but I'll gladly share it with anyone who asks.

XO
LB