Bearing Witness

I've always said that I like going to my weekly meetings because I can identify with what everyone in the room is going through, and that sense of community and shared experience makes a huge difference in how I get through this process. It's 100% true, and I miss those people dearly, but there's another part of identification that is heartbreaking and hard to watch.

Some of my closest friends are fighting this fight as well, and despite the laughter and self-deprecating humour that we all employ, it kills me to hear the frustration and see the tears when it comes time to really talk about the fact that we're not happy with ourselves and our physical appearances. The fatigue from physical strain, the clothes that don't fit, the waning confidence, all of it. At the time in our lives when we should be happiest, we are unhappy with ourselves.

Knowing what I go through, and what I had done to myself through years of self-neglect, is one thing. But seeing these women struggle and not be comfortable in their own beautiful skin kills me because I know there's no magic word or secret handshake that I can give them to alleviate their suffering.

It's an uphill battle that everyone, to a degree, fights alone. We make the food choices, we make the exercise choices, we call the shots. And the hardest thing to admit is that we're ignoring ourselves for the sake of others, even though it sounds like the right thing to do. I did it for a long time, because I didn't feel that I deserved that kind of dedication to myself. I should be working, I should be doing this, I should be doing that instead. I let myself get like this, did this to myself, how dare I be so selfish in trying to fix it?

The day to day lives of my friends are very different from mine. Different demands on their time and attention, different careers, different circumstances. But aside from rock solid friendships, we're bound by the desire to change and save ourselves, inside and out, whatever the motivation. The spark is in all of them, and I know that each and every one of them will absolutely succeed in making their changes when the time is right for them.

Some of them read this blog, and I want to remind them that they're not alone, and that they're beautiful and successful women through and through. I know so much of what you go through physically and emotionally, and even though I hate that you have to experience some of the same negative shit that I've had to slog through, I am glad I can be here to listen and truly understand.

Whatever path any of you choose, I will support you 100% of the way, because you've done just that for me. I fight this daily battle alone, but the support I get from my friends and family is a huge factor in my success thus far.

If I can offer one piece of advice, it is this: When you decide to make a change, however small, get excited about it. Don't think of it as a task, think of it as an adventure. Even if it's something that you've tried before and it wasn't successful. Get excited about it as if it's a new experience, because really, it is. Make it fun for yourself, not something that warrants an eye roll, a curse word or a feeling of dread. It's a positive change, keep it positive at every level.

In a week or two I'll be back in action and back at my weekly meeting. I can't wait. I've missed it so goddamn much. I have a renewed mental picture of myself going forward down the line, and I'm EXCITED. I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything, but I'll gladly share it with anyone who asks.

XO
LB