Sidelines

There was a time when i was perfectly alright with being on the sidelines. Mostly during mandatory phys. ed. in school. Few fat kids really and truly want to get in on the action with all the sportos and gymnastics girls. The sideline is the safe zone. Nothing jiggles, no side stitches from running a fraction of a lap, no impatient teammates chiding you to hurry the fuck up. It was the best way to pass the endless hour of enforced physical activity. The sideline was my territory, and I didn't care what anyone said. I was of more service there than anywhere.

To a degree, that love for the sideline, that need for the sideline, has stayed with me through the years. Fear, insecurity and complete unwillingness to take a risk kept me there. They fluffed the pillows, they served the drinks, they fed me grapes while fanning me with palm fronds. The sideline was comfortable, safe and calm.

But now, I have woken up. I have come to hate being on the sidelines. The past couple of weeks spent merely observing the other gals at FreshMeat practice has made me realize that I don't want to sit out anymore. I don't want to just watch, I don't want to find another way to contribute. I want to skate. I want to work harder than I have ever worked before. I want condition the hell out of myself and I want to achieve the goal that i have been mentally chasing for the past 6 years.

I hate that it's going to be a slow process for me. I'm not one of those people that can just pick something up right away. Not by a long shot. Being 280lbs is a physically daunting thing any day of the week. I don't know how I survived at 350. My memory of the horrible depression, myriad physical ailments and all-consuming misery indicates that I survived it by the skin of my teeth.

That whole "I've fallen, and I can't get up" thing from a few weeks ago totally rattled me, i admit it. It was my ego more than anything, but now I'm totally fucking frustrated by it. I need to get my brain around it and FIND A WAY TO MAKE IT WORK. I am not willing to give up, I am not willing to let myself down again.

This week, my goal is to at least do the warm-up skate with the other girls. Maybe do some rec skating as well. I'm also going to make the effort to get my morning workouts in full gear. I'm sleeping too much these days, time to put in the hard yards again.

I miss the days of my personal war measures act. Getting up before the crack of dawn and heading to the Y. If I could afford it, I'd still be doing it. Sadly, being completely broke all the time is cramping that style. Instead, I have devised a workout I can do here, and add some skating into it (gradually), and I'll be working hard. I like that.

So, my beloved sideline has changed to a line in the sand. As it should be. Here's my question to anybody who still reads this (does anybody? I have no idea): What is something that you had to kick your own ass to achieve? When have you pushed yourself further than ever before? What was your line in the sand that showed the point of no return?

Think about it, and tell me everything!

XO
LB